Monday, 23 July 2012
Wishing for the Spring!!!!
I wish winter would end today. I feel like the grey sky and the icy winds are making me curl up in a cloud of my own depression. I don’t think I’m clinically depressed, I don’t think I need medicating but I feel depressed and the awful winter sky isn’t making it easy to shake. Maybe the weather is coincidental, maybe I would feel like this today even if the sun were shining brightly, warming my skin and taking the grey twinge from the world. But I feel like I’ve spent the past few weeks curled up in my bed or curled up on the couch, cold and blue, just waiting for it to change.
I feel like the miscarriage is a wall between Kev and I right now. I feel so angry yet sad and just want to hide deep within myself so I pull away from him. I always pull away when I am hurt or scared to be hurt. But I don’t want to pull away from Kev, with him it should be different. I also feel like he is angry with me even though he probably is not. The awful voice inside my head tells me he should be mad at me, my body didn’t do its job and because of that our baby went away.
I feel like we are snapping at each other continually, I know I am short with him but I don’t think its all just from me, I think Kev is doing his fair share of snapping too. A friend pointed out that its because I know he loves me and he won’t stop loving me that it feels ok to take it out on him. Kev is stuck with me when I am at my best but also when I am at my worst.
The worst part is that I know Kev’s hurting too, he blames himself sometimes, he feels hopeless that he can’t ‘fix’ me or the situation and he feels rejected that I keep holding him at arms length. I feel like a bad partner that I’m not helping him more to deal with it too but I’m scared of facing his sadness and falling apart again. I don’t know if that even makes sense but seeing his sadness hurts and I feel like I can’t handle more hurt at the moment.
I wish I knew how to grieve faster.
Friday, 10 August 2012
It was 1 month ago today that I got a very faint positive pregnancy test. It was 1 month ago that I emailed one of my besties and said “its so faint i sort of wonder if its going to stay put but we will see, hope so!” and told another of my besties that the test didn’t look right.
I feel pretty good now all in all. The grieving is over, I can think about it without crying. I laugh and feel happy again. Of course I’m still sad inside about the baby I never got to have. When friends put up pics of their gorgeous bumps and breathtaking new born babies I feel an ache and sometimes shed a tear. I feel a lot of anger towards women complaining about how hard being pregnant is when I know that the alternative is so much harder and would give anything to trade them places. I think it will always be that way, joining the miscarriage club changes you in a lot of ways.
The thought of being pregnant again doesn’t fill me with the panic it did last week or the week before. I’m not convinced it (MC) will happen again like I was and I know that if it does happen again it will be horrible, but I will survive. I know we will have another healthy baby in our family (hopefully another 2 or 3).
1 month seems so strange to me – in some ways it feels like the positive test was so so long ago and sometimes it feel like it can’t have possibly been a month already.