October is Pregnancy and Baby Loss awareness month. This is my story of pregnancy loss.
Friday, 5 October 2012
The Other Guy
Lately it feels like I (and my poor adoring husband) have been living with our own screwed up version of ‘the other guy’ where nice normal Jodi has been unleashing her own (not-green) rage monster created after a miscarriage (not gamma-rays or something like that) and a ‘phantom’ pregnancy (Urrrrgggghhhh, just the term phantom pregnancy makes me want to flip the bird and scream 4 letter words at the world! What the eff is that?).
Unfortunately when ‘the other guy’ appears, she tends to go after Kev. She bites his head off, king hits his feelings and is on a mission to just be angry with him no matter what he does or says. Any number of things have been setting the other guy off and they aren’t necessarily even related to what I’ve actually been upset about. It makes it hard for Kev to know what he is or isn’t doing wrong (because he really isn’t doing anything wrong). Last weekend he fell asleep in the final 10 minutes of the football (after watching football all day – I had been sewing while Pie was asleep so its not like I wanted the TV or anything, his sleeping didn’t affect me AT ALL!) and I was AWFUL to him about it – so much so that he went to our bedroom to escape ‘the other guy’ and when I went in after him he told me off (and that doesn’t happen very often; in fact this may have been the first time ever) which flipped ‘the other guy’ from angry rage monster into sobbing mess (funnily enough, just what I needed). I let myself be sad about the imaginary pregnancy, I explained to him how it made me feel like I was going crazy and imagining things, and I had to check and re-check to make sure those little pink lines really did exist. I told him how I feel like other people will think I made it up and how I needed to grieve because for those days before I was told that my blood test results were negative and there was never a pregnancy, there were real positive test results in my hand telling me there was a baby and that was taken away from me. I told him how much it hurts when he doesn’t tell anyone about it and acts as if it didn’t happen. I told him how I feel so jealous and angry at people who have what we want and how much I hate myself for that and how I think some people don’t deserve the happiness they have been blessed with cos they take it all for granted, and that those feelings make me sick. I explained how I take it all out on him because no one else would ever let me and still love me and how I keep pushing him away because I can’t stand to have him close.
To quote Bruce Banner “I don’t get a suit of armor. I’m exposed, like a nerve. It’s a nightmare.” and that is how I feel at the moment – like I’ve been striped of my suit of armor and right now I’m exposed and vulnerable – it feels like one touch from him could tear me apart and I will becoming a sobbing, broken mess. But the further I pull away from him the more he struggles to pull me close…
Having ‘the other guy’ around is awful but in the past few days I’ve been getting ‘the other guy’ under control – I haven’t been really awful to Kev since last Sunday, I’ve cried more than last week, I’ve even let him hold me close and kiss me and be near me. I guess my version of the other guy is thankfully more like a baby hulk, most of the time anyway.
Monday, 21 January 2013
It’s just so hard!
Here’s a post I started a few month ago when I was right bang in the middle of the anger… Still applies but not quite so hostile anymore so I thought I would continue it – the old stuff is in italic, the new stuff is normal…
I get so sick of hearing and reading this EVERYWHERE!
My new born baby is waking through the night to feed, its just so hard – yes being tired is hard but you want to know whats really hard? Women waking through the night sobbing because they can’t hold their still born babies in their arms or waking up listening out for their ill child to make sure they are still alive – thats hard!
Now don’t get me wrong – I know being a Mum is HARD! Its exhausting and emotionally and physically draining and it takes so much of you that sometimes you wonder if there is any of the not-mum you left. But is there anything more rewarding than motherhood? I understand having 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 healthy children is a huge workload – but wanting and not having them is genuinely so much harder. And I’m not feeling sorry for myself here (although I’m sure it probably seems that way). I feel blessed to have my girl and our reproductive challenges have plagued me for only a few months so far. Yes I ache to have the other babies that I’ve wanted and imagined all my life, to have more than just those little pink 2 lines to remember the baby I lost (and the little phantoms who haunt me as well) but I know women who genuinely have experienced and are experiencing the real hard stuff and it reminds me how lucky I am. One who tried to fall pregnant for years, who endured drugs and hormones and surgeries only to end up having to have a hysterectomy which ended her dream of EVER falling pregnant. Want to tell me your normal pregnancy is hard now? Another who also tried it all and finally after rounds of failed IVFs got her little miracle and now faces the challenge of having to do it all again knowing the prize may never be attained. Want to tell me its hard that you fall pregnant the second you want to and so you have 2 babies now? Another who has 2 beautiful babies but has had more loss than any woman should have to endure and now discovers that that’s it – there will be no more babies, her family that she dreamt of will never be complete. Oh its so hard having 4 healthy kids is it? Women who have had healthy babies born, to then have those healthy babies get sick or worse. Want to complain about that extra feed ur baby woke up for last night now? And then there are the women who have fallen pregnant easily, had reasonably smooth sailing through pregnancies that have ended in the births of healthy babies – and perhaps because they haven’t had the other hard stuff they tend to get a little too hung up on how everything in motherhood “is just so hard!”. And when you’ve had a little taste of hard and would desperately love to be walking in their shoes its just so hard not to resent them and it hurts that things just aren’t very fair in the real world. I’m sure there are plenty of women who think I’m mean writing and thinking this, that I’m a judgemental bitch, that I’m bitter and angry and jealous and don’t deserve any happiness because of it and they may very well be right but I used to be on the other side and now I’m not and I wish the worst thing about being pregnant would be my aching back and pelvis – instead I have the aching back and pelvis from the hormones of 3 ‘pregnancies’ in the past 6 months and nothing to make that pain worthwhile.