My Baby Loss, Part 6.

October is Baby and Pregnancy Loss awareness month. This is my story of pregnancy loss.

Click here for Part 1
Click here for Part 2
Click here for Part 3
Click here for Part 4
Click here for Part 5

Friday, 25 January 2013

“Sad”

There is a song I’m loving at the moment and have been loving since the MC happened. It certainly doesn’t exactly fit my circumstances but it fits for me all the same. Its below if you want to read it – Maroon 5 – Sad.

I sometimes wish there were a magic erase button in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that life has a certain way of doing things but sometimes its hard to remember that and some days I’m just sad and life would be so much easier if i could just erase the memory of those 3 positive pregnancy tests. Then my MC would just be a late and heavier than normal period and my 2 “false positives/chemical pregnancies/phantom pregnancies/mind fucks” would be too. I often wonder if I could have done somethings differently to make the outcome of the MC different – if I’d just listened to my body and rested instead of overdoing things in the post move clean up would I still be pregnant now? And yes I know the professionals say there is usually nothing you can do to change these things BUT part of me thinks “Of course they say that, if they didn’t there would be a whole heap of women going crazy in their guilt and grief!” Another things is that I blame my body for not doing what it should have, for not nurturing that little egg and of course I play the “What would life have been like if….” …. ‘If’ is hard… And honestly, some days I feel like I am only holding on by a thin thread, some days I feel like it wouldn’t take much to break me. And some days simple things do break me – seeing a new born photo on facebook, hearing another proud mum-to-be announce her pregnancy, someone complaining about having their hands-full with their multiple children or that their baby kept them up all night or wants to be fed or snuggled a lot at the moment, seeing how much Piper would love a baby while she plays with her dolls or clucks over friends babies; some days those kind of things are enough to reduce me to tears. Some days it puts a wedge between Kev and I because it makes me pull away into myself which makes him try and pull me closer which in turn makes me pull away more. I know he doesn’t understand how I feel and that’s ok, I don’t want him to completely understand – he has his own experience of it and I wouldn’t want him to feel it from my side because I love him and don’t want him to hurt more than he already does/did. Anyway… so this is my song, I listen to it in the car and sing is loud a lot – just to get my sad out there so that it doesn’t take control 🙂

“Sad”

Man, it’s been a long day
Stuck thinking ’bout it driving on the freeway
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harderOh, but I’m scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin thin threadI’m kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I’m so sad, saaadMan, it’s been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one
Oh, but I’m scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin thin threadI’m kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
I’m so sad, saaad
I’m so sad, so sadOh, but I’m scared to death
That there may not be another one like this

And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin thin thread

I’m kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt cause I never gave you
The things that you needed to have
And I’m kicking the curb cause you never heard
The words that you needed so bad
I’m so sad, so sad

Saturday, 6 April 2013

So long…

Hello world,

I really must be the world’s worst blogger – its once again been such a long time!

Such a long time in fact that the baby I lost ‘should’ be here in my arms by now. But its not. And we aren’t pregnant yet either.

Honestly, I’m in a pretty good place all in all. Don’t get me wrong, it really stings when I see pictures of all the March/April babies that seem to be bombarding my Facebook feed. They remind me of what I lost and that reminder makes my heart (and womb) ache. And I definitely feel bitter when I hear anyone complain about their tiny babies, which no doubt makes people think the worst of me. I wish I could make them see that some of us would do anything to be having those bad moments, and that they are outnumbered by all the amazing ones that we are longing for too.

But this week I realised the things I would have lost if we hadn’t lost that little baby and I am at least grateful to have had those things. Enjoying all the things Pie and I get to do together right now, as she moves from baby to little girl, things I wouldn’t always have the time for if we had another baby in our home. The clarity that the loss of a pregnancy brings – I count myself so lucky for the blessing of Pie and I won’t ever take pregnancy for granted if I am lucky enough to experience it again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not happy it happened but it did happen and this week I’m realising that sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even if its impossible to see at the time.

I am however sad that along the way I’ve lost my certainty. I always ‘knew’ in my heart that I would have a big family, 3 or 4 kids minimum. But lately I find myself thinking “if we have a 2nd baby” not “when we have our 2nd baby”. Its not even something I’m conscious of, its just a change of thinking that has occurred in me and so I say if where I used to say when. Of course this is met by “it’ll happen!” “don’t talk like that – when you have another baby..” etc from well meaning friends and family but in truth, they don’t know that, anymore than I do and no one can make promises that it will happen. Logically I know there is a good chance of it – we’ve been tested and the results are mostly good news – but in my heart I am at “if”, its not that I’ve given up hoping or wanting or planning, just that I’ve stopped knowing that it will happen.

Our fertility journey continues to be bumpy, I am set to start fertility medications BUT we just have to wait for my body to play the game. I’m certainly being tested in patience but I’m trying to convince myself that this waiting is just so the universe can get the timing just right and that we will have a 2nd baby in our family some day in the not too distant future 🙂 Maybe once I’m convinced again then it will be!

jodi x
Click here for our happy ending.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “My Baby Loss, Part 6.

  1. Pingback: Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Month | Not your typical 50s housewife

  2. Pingback: My Baby Loss, Part 2. | Not your typical 50s housewife

  3. Pingback: My Baby Loss, Part 3. | Not your typical 50s housewife

  4. Pingback: My Baby Loss, Part 4 | Not your typical 50s housewife

  5. Pingback: My Baby Loss, Part 5. | Not your typical 50s housewife

  6. Pingback: And then from behind the grey clouds a rainbow appeared… | Not your typical 50s housewife

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s