Hello world 🙂
I’ve mentioned it before but my weight has always been a struggle for me. I have been over weight/obese since I hit puberty. I don’t use those labels to put myself down, they are just accurate descriptions, medical labels which describe my body type. What I do use to put myself down is ‘fat’. When I’m hating on my self I think “You are fat!”, hurled like a knife at my self-esteem; “fat girl!”, “too fat for this!” “too fat for that!”. Like many of us, my inner voice can be full of hate, talking to myself in a way I would never dream of speaking to anyone else.
So what exactly is the difference? Well I am not fat, I have fat. So do you, so does everyone. Fat isn’t even necessarily a bad thing. Excess body fat is unhealthy yes, but I am still not excess body fat, I just have excess body fat. Just like I have skin, or limbs, or flaws. The term ‘fat’ has long been used as an insult, a term used to punish, bully and insult people (by others and by ourselves). Used to describe something awful that must be avoided, like being a fat person is the most awful thing you could be and fat people aren’t worthy of the things other people are worthy of.
A few years ago, after Monkey arrived, I worked very hard and lost a lot of weight, the most weight I had ever lost. Over 30kgs. I was half way to my weight loss goal, I felt good, I felt energised! And then PND hit and it all went to the weigh-side (see what I did there 😉 ). I honestly haven’t weighed in so I have no idea how much of that weight I regained or how much extra on top of it. I am terrified of that confronting scale, to see how many steps back I have taken, of the awful internal abuse I will let fly at myself when I see it.
#Fattofit is a tag I used during my last weight loss journey and a tag I will continue to use now. For me it describes the change I want to make. I will never be a thin person but I want to take ‘fat’ – the unhealthy excess fat AND the cruel self hatred label – from myself and replace it with a new understanding of myself. Obviously this is a journey about more than weight loss or exercise but also one about learning to treat myself with kindness and to truly love myself. I hope that in sharing the ups and downs of that journey I can help some other people who are on the same journey…