This week I had a one on one personal training session. I don’t think I have ever felt anxiety like I did the day of that session. As the minutes ticked past I was more and more panicked about what was to come.
The personal trainer I decided to go with is actually someone I have known since my primary school days, back then she was a girl who I didn’t think liked me very much at all. Through the magic of Facebook though I was able to watch her journey when she lost a substantial amount of weight and changed her body. She is someone who I have grown to admire hugely BUT the day of that session, the idea of letting my guard down, of letting this person from my past see my weakness, filled me with a kind of dread that I have never felt before.
It was a horrible day. My heart was racing, my stomach filled with a massive, hot, lump. I was on the verge of screaming or crying all day. I did literally nothing but lay around and drown in the anxiety I was experience. The idea of actually going to the PT session was making tears prickle my eyes. I was desperate for any reason to not go – I feel sick, its been raining, m family need me. Excuse after excuse after excuse was running through my head. My sensitive little Rabbit was keeping a careful eye on me, finding excuses to gently touch me or randomly blurting out “I love you Mummy.” – she is such an amazingly sensitive little soul and of course she was feeling all of the negative energy radiating from me. So much so that when it came time for me to leave she insisted on coming with me and became quite upset when I tried to get her to stay home.
So do you know what I did? Of course you do. I did it. It was hard. Emotionally more so than anything. As my body was pushed to its limits my emotions kept bubbling up and wanting to pour out. Years of self doubt, horrible hateful self talk, disgust, shame, laziness, weakness, massive physical walls of fat that I’ve built to protect my self from the world, all welling up until I was ready to burst. I think a simple touch might have pushed my walls over and had me sobbing but thankfully my trainer didn’t take me that far, that was not where I wanted to go at that moment, in a public park with my Rabbits watchful eyes on me. So instead my PT told me to push, to hit harder, to run faster, to go a little further than I thought I could and slowly that emotional pain eased and subsided. I’m not a fool, this is a tiny step in a very long journey and that emotional pain will come out again to face me but for now I feel pride in this small achievement and a huge amount of physical pain in my thighs.